Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
