my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
