you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
