I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
