Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
