I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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