Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
