my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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