I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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