When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
