I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
