i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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