He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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