I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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