Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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