You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
