Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize