people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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