Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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