Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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