im drinking this country out of the recession.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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