I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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