when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
