Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
