I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
