I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
