he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he fucked my hip out of place.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
