I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
