I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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