I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
