i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I want to fling myself into the sun
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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