Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
