He uses pillows to masturbate.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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