I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
