First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
