I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
