After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
