I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
