Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
