and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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