The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i wish my penis had a tongue
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
