people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
