Where is the hickey?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
