hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize