My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
