like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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