she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize