Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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