i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
