if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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