I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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