Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
