I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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