It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Less talking, more tequila
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
