My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Randomize
