her vagina looked like bernie madoff
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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