she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
