if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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