he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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