u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
