i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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