I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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