Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
