You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
