If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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