So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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